KiraKira, Diamond Insanity
by Iris Sweetheart
Summary: This is the story of a bag. A bag of rock candies mistaken to be diamonds. Explosions, desperation, and just plain randomness run rampant... and at the center of it all is one blue hedgehog who just wants the world to understand.
1. The Situation

**Author's Disclaimer: First of all I'd like to state that this story contains jokes that pretty much make fun of certain imperfections in the Sonic characters. This is not to be confused with bashing Sonic for I am a long time (old school to be exact) Sonic fan and I have grown to love the characters in the Sonic continuity very much. So much that I felt compelled to write a story that pokes fun at their personalities and behaviors and just be silly. In other words, this is satire. So don't flame me or say that I don't know what I'm talking about and that I'm stupid because I have played all the games and watched every Sonic cartoon, including Sonic X, and have thus formed my own opinion on the Sonic characters and their personalities. There, just had to get that out of the way.**

_  
All characters are © to Sega._

KiraKira, Diamond Insanity  
By: Iris Sweetheart

Chapter 1: The Situation  
"Just look at them. So shiny and pretty. Makes you feel all gooey inside, huh Tails?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Why these!"

In the dazzling sunlight, Sonic held up a tiny sparkling object in between his index finger and thumb. A spectrum of colors shone through the object and onto Sonic's face as he stared at it in awe.

"Such wonder… such beauty…" the blue hedgehog said caught in a spell.

As he continued his awe inspired stare at the tiny object, a less than enthusiastic Tails sat next to him bored and generally uninterested.

"You know, you're letting those things get to your head." the fox pointed out bluntly.

"So what?" Sonic asked.

"IT'S JUST CANDY! ORDINARY ROCK CANDY!" Tails smacked a hand against his face. "Geez, this is just going to be like last time…"

Sonic immediately came out of his "spell" placing the candy back in the tiny brown bag in his lap. He didn't like to be mean towards his little buddy but he had to respond to the boy's comment.

"Hey, this is not going to be like last time." he defended himself. "This time we know these things aren't diamonds so nothing crazy is going to happen."

"Pfft… easy for you to say…"

Sonic stood up with the bag tightly in his grip. Tails' moody behavior was questionable and, quite frankly, out of character as far as Sonic knew.

"Tails, what's gotten into you? How could you possibly act so moody and out of character over something so… so… delicate?"

The young fox let out a short growl and shot up snatching the bag from Sonic. In an instant he took out a rock candy and tossed it into his mouth just to get his point across once more.

"CANDY! C-A-N-D-Y! You have to eat it sooner or later, that's why it exists." He chewed apart the small piece. "And on top of that, you've been sitting here looking at those things for an hour! Pfft… and you say I'm out of character."

"Yeah, you're right." Sonic agreed going back to his old self. "Let's get out of here."

Together the two zoomed off through the afternoon fields not knowing where they would go… at least until an explosion nearly blew Sonic off his feet. Among the vastness of the olive knolls and multicolored flowers, a tiny blue hedgehog soared above it all, his tiny brown bag of rock candy in hand. The hero face planted the ground hundreds of feet from the explosion and amazingly still had a strong grasp on his precious candy. Rushing to his aide, though a few seconds too late, Tails landed nearby and checked on Sonic.

"Hey, are you ok?" the fox asked. "You flew through the air like some awesome missile!"

Suddenly Sonic shot up, spitting out a mouth full of grass and dirt.

"What the hell was that!" he demanded.

Tails gazed off where the explosion had occurred. Smoke was still rising from the crater that was left behind.

"I don't know. I didn't see anything fall out of the sky." he turned to his friend. "Maybe a land mine."

Hardly believable in Sonic's mind. He stood up dusting himself off but still kept a firm grip on his rock candy. The young fox noticed the strange obsession with the tiny bag.

"Right, land mines. Who in their right mind would put a stupid land mine in the middle of nowhere…" A sudden realization hit him and his ears perked up. "…Unless they were expecting us to come this way."

His two-tailed companion tried to ask about his thoughts but Sonic was already long gone, heading back towards the scene of the incident. The blue blaze came to a screeching halt just outside the perimeter of the large crater and was down on his hands and knees trying to see if there was anything at the bottom. Tails arrived just seconds later.

"What's up? Did you find something?" he asked.

"Maybe." Before Tails could respond, Sonic hopped into the crater and slid to the bottom.

The thick black smoke seemed to be resonating from one small area at the bottom. As Sonic neared the source, he could make out a small hole and stopped a few feet from it.

"What the hell…?" he murmured bending over to get a closer look.

So it was a land mine… well probably. But whatever exploded was definitely buried underground… or did it come from above? Anyways, Sonic knew what was going on so--

"H-hey!" He felt something moving under his feet.

The ground beneath the hedgehog moved violently until a large red rock, smooth and round, unearthed itself. Sonic hopped off caught by surprise and watched as the red object emerged from the ground, then followed by two eyes, and a tanned muzzle.

"Knuckles?" Sonic asked. "What are you doing?"

The red echidna struggled to dig his arms out and finally came to a rest with a long exhale.

"Whew! Not the best idea I've had all day…" he said nearly out of breath.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Sonic inquired crossing him arms with a smirk.

"Well you see-- hey! What the…?"

Something was crushing Knuckles as it tried to unearth itself as well from underneath him. The echidna struggled in protest shouting over and over to just wait for him but whatever it was wanted out now. The dirt next to the helpless guardian exploded and out popped a silky white head with a large pair of ears attached to it.

"Rouge!" Sonic shouted.

Right between the bat and Knuckle popped out another familiar face. A black and red hedgehog with glaring red eyes surfaced for a breath of fresh air.

"Shadow!"

Left speechless, Sonic wasn't sure what to make of the situation. Luckily for him Tails arrived at that moment and filled in the silence.

"Knuckles! Rouge! …Shadow? Why are you guys in a hole?" the boy asked curiously.

Knuckles adjusted himself volunteering to answer on behalf of the others.

"Well you see--"

"THERE THEY ARE!" Rouge smashed the echidna's face into the dirt as she pointed out Sonic's candy bag. "THE DIAMONDS MUST BE IN THERE!"

"Let's move!" Shadow added.

Together the two exploded from the ground leaping out towards Sonic. Their eyes overflowing with madness and hunger. Their mouths drooling of excess saliva like wild animals. Tails immediately grabbed onto his friend shaking in fear.

"S-Sonic?" the fox asked.

"I know Tails…" is all the blue hedgehog could say.


	2. The Madness

_Note: The Knuckles/Eggman reference made in this chapter is only referring to the games, not Sonic X._

KiraKira, Diamond Insanity

Chapter 2: The Madness  
A cloud of dust raced across the fields carrying a pair of panicked screams along with it. At the head of the dust was a frantic azure hedgehog sprinting at top speed, an orange fox barely hanging onto him,… and his small brown bag of rock candy firmly in his right hand. With his determination to hold onto that bag aside, just what were the two escaping from?

"Two ravenous thieves!" Sonic screamed so eloquently.

Not too far behind the duo creating their own separate trails of dust were Shadow and his speed skates and Rouge and her… extremely fast flying. They had followed Sonic zig zagging through the fields for some time now and finally realized that traditional chasing methods weren't quite good enough.

"Shadow!" Rouge called out to her partner. "Let's go for a pincher attack!"

The dark hedgehog nodded in confirmation and the two separated; Rouge to the far right and Shadow to the far left. From above the two dust trails circled wide around the single trail in the middle with daring intentions to collide with it at full speed. Staying wary of his foes, Sonic looked to his left and right noticing the chasers closing in for an attack.

"Tails, hold on as tight as you can!" Sonic shouted to the fox latched onto his neck.

"What?" Tails asked but his question went unanswered.

Immediately Sonic hit the brakes skidding across the grassy fields, his heels digging deep into the dirt. Despite the descent into the earth his plan went off without a hitch. The duo eventually came to a stop leaving Shadow and Rouge to collide in glorious pain. From the depths of the half-mile ditch Sonic's shoes had made, a fox resting on a hedgehog's head popped out eyeing their chasers.

"We did it Sonic!" Tails looked down at his friend.

"Yeah! Alright!" the two high fived each other. "Let's split before they come to."

In no time the two had climbed out of the earth and were well on their way elsewhere when a familiar voice stopped them.

"Hey guys, wait up!" a tired red echidna was heading towards them.

Finally Knuckles caught up with the two nearly out of breath.

"H-hey. What's going on?" he managed to breath out.

"We just shook Rouge and Shadow off our tails. Wanna join us?" Sonic offered.

Knuckles was about to answer but then grew suspicious.

"…Join you in what?" he inquired with doubtful eyes.

"Protecting my candy! DUH!" Sonic replied wildly waving his arms. "If word gets out that I have a bag of "diamonds" then everyone will be on my ass trying to kill me for them!"

Typical. Sonic gets himself into trouble and comes crawling to his "Guardian" for help. This was his problem, there was no point in dragging Knuckles into it when he had an **island** to protect.

"Oh well. It's your problem so deal with it." the echidna replied turning away.

"What? Knuckles, I thought you were my friend! How could you?" Sonic pleaded.

How could he? For crying out loud he had an **island** to protect. He didn't have time to handle Sonic's "diamond" problem, it was something the hedgehog had to solve on his own.

"Hey, you're old enough to stop some fat scientist from taking over the world. Explaining a mix up to a couple of wackos shouldn't be too hard for you." Knuckles reasoned with the hedgehog.

"W-what the hell is this! Dude, we've been friends since forever. Why turn your back on me now?"

He hand an **entire island** to protect! **A frickin' island to protect!** But then again… Sonic was his friend… and he has helped him in the past… and for no logical reason that seems to agree with what used to be his character he's been neglecting his Guardian duties lately taking part in strange extra curricular activities such as air boarding, bitching with Rouge, and constantly shattering the Master Emerald and putting it back together again like a jigsaw puzzle… but alas…

"Fine, I'll help you. But this better not drag on for days. I still have--"

"An island to protect. Yeah, yeah we get it already even though Eggman's sudden dive into mediocre villainy has made your job nearly obsolete." Tails and Knuckles gave Sonic the strangest of looks. "Er uh… let's get movin'!"

In a flash the heroic hedgehog was off with the fierce guardian on his heels and trailing the two was the spunky, two-tailed genius. The triple threat were off again on another crazy adventure.

---------------------

Back at the collision site, Rouge and Shadow had finally come to and were pulling themselves together.

"Ow… Bad idea Shadow?" the bat asked.

"Bad idea." Shadow replied. "We need to stoop to even drastic measures if we want to get those diamonds!"

"Yeah we… since when did you become so interested in jewels. I though you were too cool for everything."

"Look, just run with it ok. Apparently I'm going through an identity crisis and I'm not sure if I'm a whiny, angsty, bitch, a flip flopping, angsty, bitch, or an amnesic, angsty, bitch."

He glanced back at Rouge who could only reply with a clueless stare… suddenly the atmosphere became extremely uncomfortable.

"Anyways…" Rouge started again getting back on topic. "We do need a _clever_ plan to get those diamonds from Sonic."

She stood up dusting herself off and paced around Shadow who remained seated. With a snap of her fingers an idea struck her.

"I got it!" The coy lady got up close and personal with Shadow. "How far are you willing to go for those diamonds?"

The mischievous look in her luscious eyes, the firm grip she had on his shoulders… already Shadow could tell he wasn't going to like her idea any one bit. But he wanted those diamonds! He took a deep breath.

"Whatever it is I'll do it." He had just signed away his dignity in blood… at least what was left of it in the midst of his "identity crisis" as he called it.

---------------------

Miles away near the pristine white sands of a beautiful beach, the triple threat stopped for a rest to admire the scenery. Knuckles laid spread out in the sun's warm beams and breathed in the fresh ocean air.

"Ah. Beautiful." he said in content.

Tails busied himself collecting various seashells scattered along the beach, examining each one as he scooped it up from the sand.

"These are just awesome to look at." he commented holding one up towards the sky.

And by the water was the head of the team, Sonic, sitting in the sand and hunched over his precious bad of rock candies. Carefully he took one out and held it in the sun's light letting a prism of colors shine onto his face. Once he was through with his amazement, the blue hedgehog quickly popped the sweet joy into his mouth and enjoyed every crunchy bite he took with total bliss.

"Oh my babies," he said hugging the small bag. "I can't possibly let you go. No I can't. _Oh no I can't_."

Suddenly his high pitched voice morphed into incoherent baby babble and cooing noises as he scratched the rock candies in the bag as if they were tiny pets. Just then he realized two towering shadows standing behind him and, like a protective mother, clutched his rock candies close to him and spun around to face his intruders.

"Remind me why I let you drag me on this adventure?" Knuckles asked rolling his eyes.

"Can I have one Sonic, please?" Tails begged holding out his hands.

The hedgehog pursed his lips and murmured under his breath something about ungrateful friends. Unwillingly he handed Tails a rock candy and proceeded to answer Knuckles' question.

"You're my friend and I asked you to come along with me. Besides, I'm sure you'll get to punch someone sooner or later."

It was at that moment that the guarded echidna sensed a presence behind him and could only assume it to be an intruder. Instinctively he swung his giant fist around making contact with the stranger's jaw and sent them flying back into the sand.

"Try and sneak up on me eh? Ha! Not this echidna!" Knuckle celebrated with a few punches in the air. "No one can outsmart me!"

"Except Eggman!" Sonic added.

"Hey!"

"Who did it twice!" Tails added.

"HEY!"

A pair of black legs in high heeled shoes flailed about in the sand. Immediately Knuckles face turned as red as his fur while Sonic sniggered and Tails hurried to help the damsel in distress. In one big tug the young fox pulled the helpless victim out of the sand to reveal… a less than eye catching… erm, beauty. Dolled up in gaudy make-up, a golden curly wig, with a rather manly frame fitted into a small pink dress (with matching shoes of course) was Shadow… or rather--

"Shadonia." he introduced himself in a terrible feminine voice.

"I uh… well… you see…" was all Knuckles could spit out.

While the echidna stumbled over his own words, Tails smacked himself in the face at the horrible disguise and hoped Sonic and Knuckles would notice it.

"Miss, I'm terribly sorry for that." Knuckles quickly said helping up Shadonia. "If there's anything I can do for you just name it! Anything at all."

…Well one out of two wasn't so bad.

The entire time Sonic was left speechless at what he saw. He wasn't sure if it was an extremely-to-the-ultimate-extreme ugly girl… or just Shadow deciding that he would come out of the closet as a part of his "identity crisis". Either way, it left a sick feeling in the pit of Sonic's bowels. A feeling so sick that he had to… he just needed to…

"Excuse me!" he said before dashing over to the water and hunching over.

The three-- erm two guys and not-so-attractive girl watched as Sonic hurled his lunch, so to speak, into the briny blue ocean. Remembering the plan "she" had discussed with Rouge, Shadonia hurried over to Sonic to comfort him. The blue hedgehog had just finished up wiping the last of the vomit from his mouth. He stood up and looked into the eyes of the un-sexy Shadonia.

"Hey there big boy." Shadonia greeted Sonic batting "her" overly lashed eyes. "You feeling ok?"

"Um… yes?" Sonic choked a bit still wondering what the hell he was looking at.

"Maybe you'd like to relax a bit. Maybe a nice rest in the sand," Shadonia seated Sonic in the sand. "with a little shoulder massage."

The black and red hedgehog situated "herself" right behind Sonic and proceeded to give him a "feminine massage" as Rouge had demonstrated to "her" earlier.

"_This plan better work or I'm gonna kick some serious bat-ass._" the manliness of Shadow spoke in his mind.

As he continued the shoulder massage, Sonic sat there dead as a doll just confused about everything.

"_W-what's happening? Why is this happening? Did I just piss my pants? …Oh wait …I don't wear any pants._"

His mind just couldn't comprehend the situation so he remained brain-dead and prayed that it would all end soon. Meanwhile Knuckles looked on with some jealousy while Tails constantly shook his head.

"That Sonic, always getting the girls. He's probably gonna end up marrying this one.

"Idiot, idiot, idiot." the fox muttered. "Well, counting Shadow's bad disguise, that makes three idiots I'm surrounded by."

He then stormed off over to the hedgehogs to break the startling news to his brain-dead friend. The young fox shoved Shadonia to the side and pulled Sonic close to him for a whisper. The black hedgehog's heart began to race. Would he be found out? Would the plan be ruined! He had to do something… quickly!

"_I'm gonna regret this later!_" Shadow's thoughts shouted and he leapt off the ground.

Tails was just getting to the "good part" when he noticed the airborne hedgehog heading towards them.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Shadonia shouted.

Tails fell back just as the femme hedgehog tackled Sonic and tumbled towards the water's edge. In the sun's gorgeous light, two figures laid in it's rays as soothing ocean waters splashed against their bodies. Droplets from each gentle splash shimmered in the sunrays and showered onto the hedgehogs while a stunned Tails looked on in horror.

He might as well have been scarred for life at that moment.

Sonic was knocked out of his brain-dead state allowing him to gather his surroundings and figure out what was going on. Good news, he was still at the beach; bad news, he was on his back. Good news, he still had his bag of rock candy in hand; bad news, someone was on top of him. Good news, he could open his eyes; bad news, he opened his eyes.

"…"

That was the only response he could think of especially since his mouth was being blocked by another mouth…

"…_Wait, am I getting this strait?_" the hero thought.

With strong arms locked around his body and red lips pressed firmly against his, Sonic was, without a doubt, processing the situation correctly: whatever-the-hell-it-was was kissing him… and didn't seem to hold back either. Sonic's heart pounded against his ribcage, sweat began to pour from his face, and the sudden urge to kill that whatever-it-was grew intensely until it built up and erupted in awe inspiring violence.

Sand, water, and anger flew into the air as the battle cries of the fierce azure warrior echoed along the coast. Shadonia was thrown back as well… along with "her" hair, shoes, and pretty much the last bits of Shadow's dignity. Silhouetted against the harsh red glow of the now setting sun was the form of a pissed-off-beyond-all-reasoning hedgehog whose eyes glowed with the essence of a demon… and a bag of rock candy was still in his right hand. As Shadow sat up in a daze, he knocked some sand of his ear before looking towards Sonic once more.

"Ow! That really did… oh shit…" Shadow's eyes met with the demon eyes of Sonic who was just about ready to blow Shadow into oblivion.

"So impostor," Sonic spoke in a dark demonic voice. "any last words?"

Suddenly Shadow's voice scampered away from him and all he could do was clasp his hands around his neck. The burning essence of Sonic slowly approached him while his pals watched on in awe. Tails curled his namesake around his tiny body as if to shield himself from the horror soon to come and Knuckles… well he just stood there like an idiot with his jaw dropped into the sand. Slowly Sonic cracked his knuckles… one by one as if to build up the already suspenseful scene. Just as he began to pull his fist back, a fifth party interrupted.

"HEY! HOLD ON!" a busty femme bat shouted landing in between Sonic and Shadow.

"Damn…" the hero muttered.

"Déjà vu?" Shadow inquired tilting his head.

"Ok, enough of the shenanigans! Hand over those diamonds Sonic!" Rouge demanded.

"…Excuse me?" the hedgehog raised an eyebrow.

"Y-you heard me…" The clear and present "pissed" factor in Sonic was visible to Rouge and immediately her determination to get the diamonds faltered.

Deciding to kill two birds with one stone, although just killing would've been ok as well, Sonic approached the now shaking jewel thief. Her knees rattled against each other as she felt her inner self shrink and shrink in the presence of the fiery aura. With a simple backhand slap, Rouge was sent back joining Shadow in the sand and Sonic went into overdrive at that moment. With lightning speed he ran back towards the water's edge and then came charging forward at full speed. A mighty fist he held back had the life and power of a gun-ho warrior, so much power that it might as well have been glowing for greater emphasis. Even though the charge lasted only a split second, for the two thieves it seemed like an eternity as they watched the blood red eyes of Sonic draw ever so closer to them. And then it happened…

From high above a flash of light shone from the beach and two screaming figures flew across the vast land holding onto each other for dear life. Down below on the beach Sonic was down on one knee posing dramatically after his awesome, fantastic attack… a gentle breeze blew by… and some doves flew by as well for no reason other than to add onto the coolness factor. Tails was stunned and once again amazed by his hero/best friend. Knuckles… well he was still looking as stupid as ever with his jaw dropped, this time shocked at the sheer power Sonic had.

Once the moment had ended Sonic fell out of his so-pissed-off-that-he-could-kill mode and went back to being mellowed-out-Sonic-who-enjoyed-his-rock-candies. He seated himself in the sand and proceeded to pop candy after candy into his mouth, each candy being sweeter than the last. Suddenly he was joined by Tails and Knuckles who also wanted to join in on his sweet bliss.

"Grr… fine." the hedgehog groaned handing his friends each a candy.

"Wow! That was so awesome Sonic! The way you went like vroom! And you were all like swoosh! And they went pow! And then-- ack!" Tails had choked on his rock candy.

A hearty, and hurtful, pat on the back from Sonic cleared up the boy's ailment.

"Well Tails it's all in a days work. Bad guys show up and I kick their asses." Sonic gloated proudly.

"Yeah, it's almost as if you don't need us at all and that our existence it totally obsolete." Knuckles added sarcastically.

"You're right!" The hero hung an arm around the echidna pulling him closer. "But you guys are my posse so I need you to be around to be all like "whoa' and 'dats da shit dog!'. You know what I'm sayin'?"

"Whatever."

"Damn strait!"

The three went back to enjoying the scenery until something just came to light to Tails.

"Hey, don't you have an island to protect?" the boy asked the guardian.

"Yeah but who's keepin' track these days?" Knuckles replied waving a nonchalant hand.

"That's true." Sonic commented. "I mean after that whole Metal Overlord business, you being a guardian is pretty much a moot point, like the Cyclone. Man what piece of crap that was, right Tails? I mean you could've pwned Eggman without that stupid mech weighing you down, right?"

The two-tailed fox replied with disgruntled muttering and curled his namesake around him once more.


	3. The Calmness

KiraKira, Diamond Insanity

Chapter 3: The Calmness  
Far across the land in a small town made of tiny humble buildings inhabited by tiny humble villagers, life was picturesque. Over on a small knoll rested a sweet cottage with a quaint flower bed out front and a small white picket fence marking off the owner's yard. The front door with a heart shape on its frame opened up and out came a young, pink, short-haired hedgehog in her sassy red dress with a yellow hammer at her side ready to take on the world. Slamming the front door shut behind her, she took in a deep breath and heaved her brightly colored weapon over her shoulder.

"Yep." she said to the world. "It's certainly a fine day."

Down by her red boots a tiny cricket crawled across the gavel path leading to her front porch. It stopped moving its antennas and generally enjoying its quiet peaceful life until a dark shadow loomed over the insect alerting his senses. In a heartbeat, the cricket leaped away from his resting place just as the mighty yellow from the gods above struck down. A thundering boom shook throughout the land and the weapon's wielder, our young female hedgehog, was anything but cheerful.

"A fine day to get back my rock candy Sonic stole from me!" her voice growled through gritted teeth. "YOU HEAR ME SONIC! I WANT MY CANDY BACK!"

…And so the legacy of the mistaken diamonds continues.

The End… for now.

_Next installment: DokiDoki_


End file.
